I have said things as a parent that, in my wildest dreams, I never thought I’d say. As they come out of my mouth, a small part of me recognizes the ridiculousness of the situation. I shake my inner head in disbelief that such things need to be said.
Take this morning, for example.
As my son jumped from the couch to the floor, I watched in horror as I realized - in slowed, Matrix-like time – that he was going to hit head first. Luckily, he remembered my previous somersaulting mantra to tuck his chin whenever he led with his head and he rolled unhurt into a somersault. (The above video, taken several years ago, should have been a clue!)
I heard myself say (firmly yet remarkably calmly for how hard my heart was beating), “Jack, when you jump it’s important to land on your feet first, THEN your head.”
What?!?
“When you jump it’s important to land on your feet first, THEN your head.”
If mothers everywhere and through time have had to explain this important piece of information to their sons, how is it that we have survived as a species?
Can you envision a Neanderthal mother watching her young son jump out of a tree, only to remind him to land on his feet first, THEN tuck and roll? I wouldn’t put much stock in the survival of that branch of our family tree.
And yet.
Of course, it’s not just me who comes out with surprising phrases and instructions. Some of my most treasured moments as a mom are those in which my children reach for ways to describe something, creating new words or a whole new language and revealing how they think about the world.
Often, those words become part of our family vocabulary.
While watching me get dressed one day, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why do you use B.O.derant?” Well, that’s just about a perfect word.
Smelling breakfast burning on the stove, my son exclaimed, “Momma, get the egg shuffler!” (it took me a minute, but he meant spatula).
Leaning over to plant a good night kiss, I was told, “Momma, your breath is stinky. You need some gubble bum.”
Sometimes, these language inventions take a little discussion to sort out. One of my favorites: Jack says with a hint of concern in his voice, “Momma, why do you have grown up eyes?”
Me: “Grown up eyes? What do you mean?”
Jack: “Like this!” He opens his eyes super wide, his eyebrows stretching practically to the ceiling.
Me: “Those are grown up eyes?”
Jack: “Yep.”
Me: “Why are those grown up eyes?”
Jack: “Because grown ups use them when there’s something important going on. That’s when I need to pay attention.”
Me (to myself): “Hahahahaha! That’s too much. He knows he has to clue in only at the point when a grown up looks shocked?? Holy $@%*. What has he been missing?”
ME (out loud): “Oh. That’s interesting!”
Some times, their language creations show me where I have a bit more teaching to do about a particular concept.
Long after he’d graduated out of swimmy diapers, my son came proudly out of the pool one afternoon and said, “I don’t have to go to the bathroom any more, Mommy.”
Me (alarmed, and a bit scared to ask a follow-up question): You don’t? Why not?
Jack: “Because I peed in my bathing suit.”
Me (no doubt showing decidedly grown-up eyes): “Um…”
Jack: “But don’t worry, Momma – my bathing suit is water proof!”
Well, then. Of course it is.
And you, friends? What has come out of your mouth that you never thought you’d have to actually explain out loud to another human being? What new words have wiggled their way into your family’s vocabulary?